‘Blogging Angst’ May 27, 2006
Posted by marjetta in blog-angst, thoughts.2 comments
When I began this blog I stated that this would be the place where I say what is really going on in my mind. But that has proved a problem when it comes to keeping this blog updated, as sometimes (quite a lot actually…) it is better not to express my thoughts; better to override them with opinions on culture, society, politics, you name it … or to post a funny picture or joke, or something … or just to meander through a post of trivialities.
It feels less exhausting that way.
But browsing the net I found many, many bloggers who seem to love expressing their innermost thoughts for all to see.
Their posts are full of fears and tears and angst, or "if only's", and even threats to "end their suffering".
I read these posts and sometimes I feel for them; I understand their fears, their sorrow at hopes dashed (or fears realised). But I also wonder about some of the writers. Are they really as depressed as they sound? Or are they just playing a game, looking for attention in the only way they feel able to do so?
I suppose I can feel sorry for writers like this. After all, to feel that you need attention so badly that you resort to lies or exaggerations is sad in itself.
But then there are the ones who post 'their angst' for a laugh. Perhaps most of these are just kids who need to develop a more sophisticated sense of humour?
I hope so anyway.
But those last two examples of 'blog-angst' leave me uncertain how much of myself to give away here.
I'm not a charlatan, neither am I an attention seeker.
I just need somewhere to write …
So I think I'll just bide my time and think about what I really want to write here.
I believe someone once said that "the truth sets us free".
Well, I'll think on that one …
A little longer ……
What do you do when ‘they’ say you have done it all? May 16, 2006
Posted by marjetta in achievements, thoughts.2 comments
I browse many different blog sites and several times now I have come across people, probably around my age, who are bemoaning the fact that "there's nothing left to achieve", or "what is left for me to do?" and, although I have felt sympathy with them as these words always seem to appear in posts which are very sombre and depressed, I have always thought "but there is always something new to do; something to achieve, however small."
But now I know that feeling.
And it's not good. In fact, it scares me. It is like staring fate in the face and saying, "okay now, it's time to do your worst!"
And I'm scared of fate.
But I just can't help these feelings.
I have done a lot in my life: reared a number of children to independant adult-hood; kept my family together, often despite the odds being against us; I have done well academically, in fact I have been good at most things I have turned my hand at (and there have been many); I have had a number of excellent jobs; and even when the jobs were less than excellent, they have given me extra experience in life. In fact, many people seem to think that I have not only done well, but that I have had a pretty fulfilling life.
I'm not sure I entirely agree with that last statement, as there are things I wish I had achieved. I never published 'the book' for instance (although I have had some short stories and articles published and for a while had a huge following on the net), or painted pictures that I know I could have painted, or had an art exhibition which I have always fancied doing, or left some new and vital theory on life and society (although there are plenty in my head…). But I know what they mean.
Many people would give their eye teeth for my ability to learn new things and for my self-confidence.
But if they are right and I have done most things, then what is left for me to do? What 'role' am I supposed to take on other than the 'achiever', which has been my 'role in the past?
Okay, many would say, as I have in the past, "but there is always something new to do!" And I guess they would be right. To a point…
Because nowadays I tire easier (and I'm no great age yet, I assure you). I lose interest quicker when new 'things to try' don't go according to plan. So I am often either exhausted from the effort of only half trying anyway, or I just feel lazy from not bothering to try in the fisrt place.
But actually it's more than that. Because, when you have been an 'achiever' all of your life, holding back form giving a taskyour full attention brings on a heavy amount of guilt, because you know what you are capable of.
But to tell the truth, there are no real 'fruits of achievement' as I have spent so much time and energy (and a fair bit of money) 'achieving' that there is nothing left to show for all of this except some vague sense that, as someone said to me only today, "You have done very well!"
So I am set with a dilemma. Do I go on trying to 'achieve' things (and probably exhaust myself to the point of 'burn out' from trying)? Or do I say "It's okay. Chill out and leave others the chance to achieve. You've done your bit, so now sit back and enjoy the fruits of those achievements?"
And, of course, to 'chill out' would be tempting fate.
And I can't have that, can I?
So what the hell is the solution?
Damned if I know…
