Family Cynicism August 18, 2008
Posted by marjetta in family, thoughts.Tags: cynicism
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So here I am, writing this blog over two years since my last entry.
Life has changed so much that I even forgot I had this site. I was checking out my old pc files and found the link. So I thought, “Why not write something?”.
And then it all came unstuck!
What do you write to a blog that has been dormant for so long?
So I’m just typing whatever comes into my head. Which, after all, is what I said this blog was going to be about so it seems!
Life has had its ups and down the last couple of years – new job, new man…. and of course the money to buy a new pc (hence forgetting all the stuff I had on this one – my ‘old faithful’).
Despite its ups and downs, life hasn’t been too bad I guess. Some people move out of your life and some move in. I guess it’s someone’s ‘great plan’, though whose I wouldn’t have a clue!
One thing I do miss is my little sister. She moved to another country just after I stopped writing here. We had our moments, but we were very close – shared most things that were happening to us (including a tendency to depression). I see her now and again (the last time at a pretty sad time), but I miss being able to saunter round to see her for a chat and putting the World to rights.
But my little sis has a blog (well, she has several, but this is her personal one). I found it the other day. She sort of told me about it – gave a few hints – but no address. It’s about Depression you see, and rather personal to her. But I found the blog at last and it opened on what I think is the latest entry – a post about cynicism and depression. Just reading it I knew it was her before even checking the name.
God, I can relate to that post! We were born into a cynical family and time proved that the only way to survive was to have a cynical attitude to life. Good old British humour so they say. Cynicism is irony by another name. And life is sure ironic at times!
Maybe I’ll post about it sometime soon.
For now, let’s just say that being a cynic works fine for me but if my little sis is having doubts about it, I can’t say I blame her. Having what she calls this ‘grey cloud’ to look through all the time does make life a bit, well, grey at times! Maybe we should both join the ‘happy crowd’ and tell ourselves umpteen times a day “I’m happy and joyous”, and all the rest of that garbage that certain people seem to believe in these days?
Nah, it wouldn’t work!
But I wish the best for my sis. I’ll go and ring her now and tell her I found her post. Embarass her, why not?
But that’s all my rambling for now. I might come back here another day now I’ve found this blog. Perhaps I’ll tart it up a bit. It does look a little drab.
All I’ve got to remember is to add the address to the bookmarks on my new pc, or else I’ll forget it again!
Arghhh!!!! June 18, 2006
Posted by marjetta in Mozilla Firefox, rants.1 comment so far
I have been away for a few days, so today was the first time I had used my home pc for some time.
I logged in, sat back and waited for the endless turning of cogs as anti-virus and anti-spyware software applications did their work on the inevitable 'additions' downloaded the last time I surfed the web…. and I noticed a small pop-up telling me that "a website is trying to compile information. Do you want to continue?" Thinking this was another spyware application trying 'zap' me, I declined the invitation….
Then I clicked on my Firefox browser.
And found that Firefox had downloaded its latest version … but all my bookmarks, extensions, and bookmarklets had disappeared! And worst of all, my passwords!
Thank you Firefox!
If it had been made clear that Firefox was trying to save my bookmarks, extensions, etc, I naturally would have said yes. But it hadn't been – just an undistinguishable pop-up. How was I to know what it was?
Grrrr!!!
Luckily I had the majoriy of my bookmarks saved online. But I have spent hours logging into sites (often several times until I managed to find the correct username/password combination to resave) and saving new bookmarklets, and of course trying to remember and then download the extensions I use….
I am not a happy bunny at the moment.
But that is understandable, isn't it…?
Next time I will be doubly cautious with answering pop-up requests. But this really shouldn't have happened.
I just hope that this new version of Firefox is worth all the hastle – the last one certainly wasn't; crashes galore.
Just hope they have fixed that … but maybe that is too much to ask…?
‘Blogging Angst’ May 27, 2006
Posted by marjetta in blog-angst, thoughts.2 comments
When I began this blog I stated that this would be the place where I say what is really going on in my mind. But that has proved a problem when it comes to keeping this blog updated, as sometimes (quite a lot actually…) it is better not to express my thoughts; better to override them with opinions on culture, society, politics, you name it … or to post a funny picture or joke, or something … or just to meander through a post of trivialities.
It feels less exhausting that way.
But browsing the net I found many, many bloggers who seem to love expressing their innermost thoughts for all to see.
Their posts are full of fears and tears and angst, or "if only's", and even threats to "end their suffering".
I read these posts and sometimes I feel for them; I understand their fears, their sorrow at hopes dashed (or fears realised). But I also wonder about some of the writers. Are they really as depressed as they sound? Or are they just playing a game, looking for attention in the only way they feel able to do so?
I suppose I can feel sorry for writers like this. After all, to feel that you need attention so badly that you resort to lies or exaggerations is sad in itself.
But then there are the ones who post 'their angst' for a laugh. Perhaps most of these are just kids who need to develop a more sophisticated sense of humour?
I hope so anyway.
But those last two examples of 'blog-angst' leave me uncertain how much of myself to give away here.
I'm not a charlatan, neither am I an attention seeker.
I just need somewhere to write …
So I think I'll just bide my time and think about what I really want to write here.
I believe someone once said that "the truth sets us free".
Well, I'll think on that one …
A little longer ……
What do you do when ‘they’ say you have done it all? May 16, 2006
Posted by marjetta in achievements, thoughts.2 comments
I browse many different blog sites and several times now I have come across people, probably around my age, who are bemoaning the fact that "there's nothing left to achieve", or "what is left for me to do?" and, although I have felt sympathy with them as these words always seem to appear in posts which are very sombre and depressed, I have always thought "but there is always something new to do; something to achieve, however small."
But now I know that feeling.
And it's not good. In fact, it scares me. It is like staring fate in the face and saying, "okay now, it's time to do your worst!"
And I'm scared of fate.
But I just can't help these feelings.
I have done a lot in my life: reared a number of children to independant adult-hood; kept my family together, often despite the odds being against us; I have done well academically, in fact I have been good at most things I have turned my hand at (and there have been many); I have had a number of excellent jobs; and even when the jobs were less than excellent, they have given me extra experience in life. In fact, many people seem to think that I have not only done well, but that I have had a pretty fulfilling life.
I'm not sure I entirely agree with that last statement, as there are things I wish I had achieved. I never published 'the book' for instance (although I have had some short stories and articles published and for a while had a huge following on the net), or painted pictures that I know I could have painted, or had an art exhibition which I have always fancied doing, or left some new and vital theory on life and society (although there are plenty in my head…). But I know what they mean.
Many people would give their eye teeth for my ability to learn new things and for my self-confidence.
But if they are right and I have done most things, then what is left for me to do? What 'role' am I supposed to take on other than the 'achiever', which has been my 'role in the past?
Okay, many would say, as I have in the past, "but there is always something new to do!" And I guess they would be right. To a point…
Because nowadays I tire easier (and I'm no great age yet, I assure you). I lose interest quicker when new 'things to try' don't go according to plan. So I am often either exhausted from the effort of only half trying anyway, or I just feel lazy from not bothering to try in the fisrt place.
But actually it's more than that. Because, when you have been an 'achiever' all of your life, holding back form giving a taskyour full attention brings on a heavy amount of guilt, because you know what you are capable of.
But to tell the truth, there are no real 'fruits of achievement' as I have spent so much time and energy (and a fair bit of money) 'achieving' that there is nothing left to show for all of this except some vague sense that, as someone said to me only today, "You have done very well!"
So I am set with a dilemma. Do I go on trying to 'achieve' things (and probably exhaust myself to the point of 'burn out' from trying)? Or do I say "It's okay. Chill out and leave others the chance to achieve. You've done your bit, so now sit back and enjoy the fruits of those achievements?"
And, of course, to 'chill out' would be tempting fate.
And I can't have that, can I?
So what the hell is the solution?
Damned if I know…
Blogaholics April 26, 2006
Posted by marjetta in blogging.3 comments
I have a number of blogs – too many in fact. I began writing 'my thoughts' to the net about 4 years ago. The it was just an on-line diary (the idea was that I would 'catalogue my thoughts and experiences' as future fodder for my writing and yes, I know, so many of us have had the same idea …..), but I soon found 'blogging' …. and I was hooked. I was logging in to post every day; racking my brains for something different to say in each blog; checking my comments and feeling obliged to respond; commenting on other's blogs so that they would feel obliged to visit mine ….. you know the score.
Today I am still a blogging addict and, nomatter how hard I try, I can't get away from the need to blog. This blog was actually an attempt to find somewhere to post 'things I really wanted to say', rather than post for an audience (and thus edit my thoughts in line with what I presumed to be their aspirations). And I hope I can make this stick.
Coincidentally, today I came across an article posted back in September last year. It's a satire on 'compulsive blogging', but I recognise so much of the character's angst that, although it made me laugh, it also made cringe.
Here it is: FredsWorld_Blogaholics
I reckon quite a few people here will feel the same way as I did when they read this.
Stress Society April 21, 2006
Posted by marjetta in political, rants.1 comment so far
I have worked for most of my adult life. I have had a wide variety of jobs – anything to keep the money coming in – everything from factory worker/shop assistant/cleaner/fairground attendant to department store manager, HE lecturer and professional writer. Most of these jobs were 'legit', but a few were not …
But I always worked.
When my children were tiny babies, I went out cleaning to make enough money to help buy food. When they grew older, I went to college to gain qualifications to begin a 'proper career'. When made redundant (twice), I picked myself up, brushed myself down, and got back on the 'job wagon'.
It seemed like the only thing to do.
But now I'm tired. I really don't want to work anymore. I have quite a few years left to 'be a useful working individual', but I am thoroughly hacked off with the whole job culture!
In today's society, the 'work ethic' is everything. Okay, it has been for many years, but today in the UK the working environment is getting ever more stressful. More people suffer from depression and stress every year and the majority of these illnesses are work-related. Nowadays it is not enough to work hard – you have to give your heart and soul to your employers.
Only a few years ago, people tended to view the working environment as fulfilling – even when they did a 'menial task', they at least had somewhere to socialise. Many even looked forward to going to work: not to the actual working process, but because their friends were there, and even if the work was as dull as dishwater, at least they could have a laugh and a joke while they did it.
Not so today.
Todays' typical employer uses 'proactive' jargon and offers employees a culture more suited to pyramid selling techniques than to job satisfaction. Stupid 'prizes' are offered to employees for 'high performance'; employees are 'encouraged' to be 'positive' about every aspect of their work – cynicism is a no-no, much too negative!
Personnel workers are now called Human Resources Personnel. In other words, employees are just 'resources' of their employers. and we all know what happens to resources when they become obsolete…
The UK has become a service society. Workers 'man' call centres, giving banal answers to questions they have no training and no real inclination to answer truthfuly. Time away from desks is monitored and often penalised.
We are told that unemployment is still lower than it has been for years. But what does most employment consist of? Unfulfilling, low-paid, unrespected slavery, which offers as a prospect stress-based illnesses and further penalisation if the employee tries to claim sickness benefits which are theirs by right (but don't get me started….).
And I have had enough.
I am not lazy. I like working for a living… at least, I used to.
I am just so tired of the whole 'work culture'.
So I'm taking 'time out'. I'm going to be a 'scrounger', claiming benefits to help me survive (if only just…). and no, I do not feel ashamed of this. Just finally enlightened.
